Read Chapters 3,4 and 5 in the attached textbook. Answer the following questions separately while referencing material from the text. 1. ?List and describe the three stages of the interp

Interpersonal Communication Relating to Others

NINTH EDITION

Steven A. Beebe Texas State University

Susan J. Beebe Texas State University

Mark V. Redmond Iowa State University

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Dedicated to Our Families

Mark and Matthew Beebe Peggy, Nicholas, and Eric Redmond, and Beth Maroney

Acknowledgements of third party content appear within the text or on page 414, which constitutes an extension of this copyright page.

Access Code Card: ISBN 10: 0-13-489036-1 ISBN 13: 978-0-13-489036-4 Revel Combo Card: ISBN 10: 0-13-525534-1 ISBN 13: 978-0-13-525534-6 Rental Edition: ISBN 10: 0-13-487717-9 ISBN 13: 978-0-13-487717-4 Loose-Leaf Edition: ISBN 10: 0-13-487480-3 ISBN 13: 978-0-13-487480-7 Instructor’s Review Copy: ISBN 10: 0-13-487581-8 ISBN 13: 978-0-13-487581-1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Beebe, Steven A., author. | Beebe, Susan J., author. | Redmond, Mark V., author. Title: Interpersonal communication relating to others / Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe, Mark V. Redmond. Description: Ninth edition. | Boston : Pearson, [2018] Identifiers: LCCN 2018040071| ISBN 9780134877174 | ISBN 0134877179 Subjects: LCSH: Interpersonal communication. | Large type books. Classification: LCC BF637.C45 .B43 2018 | DDC 153.6—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018040071

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Contents

Preface viii About the Authors xviii

PART 1 Interpersonal Communication Foundation 1

1 Introduction to Interpersonal Communication 1

Interpersonal Communication Defined 3 Interpersonal Communication Is a Distinctive Form of Communication 3 Interpersonal Communication Involves Mutual Influence Between Individuals 4 Interpersonal Communication Helps Individuals Manage Their Relationships 5

Interpersonal Communication’s Importance to Your Life 6 Improved Relationships with Family 6 Improved Relationships with Friends and Romantic Partners 6 Improved Relationships with Colleagues 6 Improved Physical and Emotional Health 7

Interpersonal Communication and the Communication Process 7

Components of the Communication Process 7 Models of the Communication Process 8

Interpersonal Communication Principles 11 Interpersonal Communication Connects Us to Others 11 Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible 11 Interpersonal Communication Is Complicated 12 Interpersonal Communication Is Governed by Rules 13 Interpersonal Communication Involves Both Content and Relationship Dimensions 14

Interpersonal Communication and Social Media 15 The Presence of Social Media in Our Relationships 16 The Effect of Social Media on Our Relationships 16 Differences Between EMC and Face-to-Face Communication 19 Understanding EMC 21

Interpersonal Communication Competence 24 Become Knowledgeable, Skilled, and Motivated 25 Become Other-Oriented 25

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 28

2 Interpersonal Communication and Self 30

Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are 31 Attitudes, Beliefs, and Values Reflect Your Self-Concept 32

Mindfulness: Being Consciously Aware 33 One or Many Selves? 34 How Your Self-Concept Develops 36

Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth 42

Facework: Presenting Your Self-Image to Others 43 Projecting Your Face 44 Protecting Others’ Face 45

How to Improve Your Self-Esteem 46 Engage in Self-Talk 46 Visualize a Positive Image of Yourself 47 Avoid Comparing Yourself with Others 47 Reframe Appropriately 48 Develop Honest Relationships 48 Let Go of the Past 48 Seek Support 48

Self and Interpersonal Relationships 49 Self and Interaction with Others 49 Self and Your Future 50 Self and Interpretation of Messages 51 Self and Interpersonal Needs 52 Self and Disclosure to Others 52 Self and Communication Social Style 55

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 58

3 Interpersonal Communication and Perception 60

Understanding Interpersonal Perception 61 Stage 1: Selecting 61 Stage 2: Organizing 63 Stage 3: Interpreting 64

Forming Impressions of Others 65 We Develop Our Own Theories About Others 65 We Seek Information to Reduce Uncertainty 66 We Form Impressions of Others Online: The Social Media Effect 67 We Emphasize What Comes First: The Primacy Effect 67 We Emphasize What Comes Last: The Recency Effect 68 We Attribute Positive Qualities to Others: The Halo Effect 68 We Attribute Negative Qualities to Others: The Horn Effect 68

Interpreting the Behavior of Others 69 We Attribute Motives to Others’ Behavior: Attribution Theory 69 We Use Our Own Point of Reference About Power: Standpoint Theory 70 We Draw on Our Own Cultural Background: Intercultural Communication Theory 70

iii

iv Contents

Identifying Barriers to Accurate Interpersonal Perception 72

We Stereotype 73 We Ignore Information 74 We Impose Consistency 75 We Focus on the Negative 75 We Blame Others, Assuming They Have Control 75 We Avoid Responsibility 76

Improving Interpersonal Perception Skills 77 Be Aware of Your Personal Perception Barriers 77 Be Mindful of the Behaviors That Create Meaning for You 78 Link Details with the Big Picture 78 Become Aware of Others’ Perceptions of You 78 Check Your Perceptions 79 Become Other-Oriented 79

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 81

4 Interpersonal Communication and Diversity: Adapting to Others 83

Understanding Diversity: Describing Differences 84 Sex and Gender 85 Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity 86 Race and Ethnicity 88 Age 89 Social Class 91

Understanding Culture: Our Mental Software 91 Individualism: One and Many 93 Context: High and Low 93 Gender: Masculine and Feminine 94 Uncertainty: High and Low Tolerance 94 Power: Centralized and Decentralized 95 Time: Short-Term and Long-Term 95 Happiness: Indulgent and Restrained 95

Barriers to Effective Intercultural Communication 96 Ethnocentrism 97 Different Communication Codes 99 Stereotyping and Prejudice 99 Assuming Similarities 100 Assuming Differences 101

Improving Intercultural Communication Competence 102 Develop Knowledge 104 Develop Motivation: Strategies to Accept Others 106 Develop Skill 107

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 113

PART 2 Interpersonal Communication Skills 115

5 Listening and Responding Skills 115

Listening Defined 117 Selecting 117 Attending 118

Understanding 118 Remembering 118 Responding 119

Listening Styles 119 Relational Listening Style 119 Analytical Listening Style 119 Critical Listening Style 120 Task-Oriented Listening Style 120 Gender and Listening Style 120 Benefits of Understanding Your Listening Style 121

Listening Barriers 122 Being Self-Absorbed 123 Unchecked Emotions 123 Criticizing the Speaker 124 Differing Speech Rate and Thought Rate 124 Information Overload 124 External Noise 125 Listener Apprehension 125

Listening Skills 126 How to Improve Listening Comprehension Skills 126 How to Improve Empathic Listening Skills 129 How to Improve Critical Listening Skills 134

Responding Skills 135 How to Improve Accurate Responding Skills 135 How to Improve Empathic Responding Skills 137

Confirmation Skills 141 How to Provide Confirming Responses 142 How to Avoid Disconfirming Responses 143

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 145

6 Verbal Communication Skills 147

How Words Work 148 Words Are Symbols 148 Words Become Words for a Variety of Reasons 150 Words Are Culture-Bound 151

The Power of Words 152 Words Create Perceptions 152 Words Influence Thoughts 153 Words Influence Actions 154 Words Affect and Reflect Culture 154 Words Make and Break Relationships 155 Clues to Our Relationships Are Found in Our Word Choice 155 Clues to Our Relationships Are Found in What We Don’t Say 156 Clues to Our Online Relationships Are Found in Our Tweets, Texts, and Posts 157

How to Manage Misunderstandings 157 Be Aware of Missed Meaning 157 Be Clear 158 Be Specific 159 Be Aware of Changes in Meaning 160 Be Aware of Polarizing Either-Or Extremes 161 Be Unbiased 161

Contents v

How to Use Words of Support and Comfort 165 Describe Your Feelings, Rather Than Evaluate Behavior 166 Solve Problems Rather Than Attempt to Control 168 Be Genuine Rather Than Manipulative 168 Empathize Rather Than Remain Detached 169 Be Flexible Rather Than Rigid 169 Present Yourself as Equal Rather Than Superior 169

How to Have a Conversation 170 Starting a Conversation 171 Sustaining a Conversation 171

How to Apologize 172

How to Be Assertive 173 Describe 174 Disclose 174 Identify Effects 174 Be Silent 176 Paraphrase 176

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 177

7 Nonverbal Communication Skills 180

Identifying the Importance of Nonverbal Communication 181

Nonverbal Messages Are the Primary Way We Communicate Our Feelings and Attitudes 181 Nonverbal Messages Are Usually More Believable Than Verbal Messages 182 Nonverbal Messages Work with Verbal Messages to Create Meaning 183 Nonverbal Messages Help People Respond and Adapt to Others 183 Nonverbal Messages Play a Major Role in Interpersonal Relationships 184

Understanding Nonverbal Communication Codes 185 Body Movement and Posture 185 Eye Contact 188 Facial Expression 188 Vocal Cues 190 Our Vocal Cues Provide Clues about Our Relationships 191 Space 193 Territory 194 Touch 195 Appearance 198

Improving Your Skill in Interpreting Nonverbal Messages 198

Look for Dimensions of Meaning in Nonverbal Messages 198 Use Effective Strategies for Interpreting Nonverbal Messages 201 Be Aware of Limitations When Interpreting Nonverbal Messages 205

Improving Your Skill in Expressing Nonverbal Messages 206

Be Mindful of Your Nonverbal Behavior 206

Observe Others’ Reactions to Your Nonverbal Behavior 206 Ask Others About Your Nonverbal Behavior 207 Practice Your Nonverbal Behavior 207

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 208

8 Conflict Management Skills 210

Conflict Defined 211 Conflict Elements 211 Conflict Triggers 213 Conflict as a Process 215

Conflict Misconceptions 217 Misconception 1: Conflict Is Always a Sign of a Poor Interpersonal Relationship 217 Misconception 2: Conflict Can Always Be Avoided 217 Misconception 3: Conflict Always Occurs Because of Misunderstandings 218 Misconception 4: Conflict Can Always Be Resolved 218

Conflict Types 218 Pseudoconflict: Misunderstandings 218 Simple Conflict: Different Positions on the Issues 219 Ego Conflict: Conflict Gets Personal 219

Conflict and Power 220 Power Principles 221 Power Sources 222 Power to Persuade 222 Power Negotiation 224

Conflict Management Styles 224 Avoidance 225 Accommodation 226 Competition 227 Compromise 228 Collaboration 228 What Is the Best Conflict Management Style? 229

Conflict Management Skills 231 Manage Your Emotions 231 Manage Information 234 Manage Goals 236 Manage the Problem 237

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 240

PART 3 Interpersonal Communication in Relationships 243

9 Understanding Interpersonal Relationships 243

Interpersonal Relationships Defined 244 Shared Perception 244 Ongoing Interdependent Connection 245 Relational Expectations 245 Interpersonal Intimacy and Affection 246 Circumstance or Choice 247 Power 247

vi Contents

Genesis of Interpersonal Relationships: Attraction 248

Communication and Attraction 249 Sources of Initial Attraction 249 Sources of Both Initial and Long-Term Attraction 250

Stages of Interpersonal Relationship Development 253

Relational Escalation 253 Relational De-Escalation 255 Principles Underlying Relational Stages 256

Theories of Interpersonal Relationship Development 258

Social Exchange Theory 258 Relational Dialectics Theory 260 Self-Disclosure and Social Penetration Theory 262

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 268

10 Managing Relationship Challenges and the Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and Relationships 270

When Relationship Expectations Are Violated 271 Understanding Relational Expectations and Violations 271 Responding with Discussion 272 Responding with Forgiveness 274 Examining a Model of Forgiveness Responses 275 Responding with Retaliation 276

Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) and Relationships that Challenge Social Norms 276

Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) 276 Relationships That Challenge Social Norms 278

Addressing Grief and Delivering Bad News 279

The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication 280 Deception 280 Communication That Hurts Feelings 284

The Dark Side of Interpersonal Relationships 285

Jealousy 285 Serial Argument and Verbal Aggression 287 Relational Turbulence 287 Unwanted Attention 288

Interpersonal Relationship De-Escalation and Termination 291

Signs of Relationship Problems 291 Repair and Rejuvenation 291 The Decision to End a Relationship 292 How Relationships End 293 Reasons for De-Escalating and Terminating 294 The Relational Dissolution Process 295 Strategies for Ending Relationships 297

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 300

11 Interpersonal Relationships: Friendship and Romance 302

Friendship 303 Making Friends 305 Friendships at Different Stages in Life 305 Same-Sex Friendships 308 Cross-Sex Friendships 309 Diverse Friendships 310

Romantic Relationships 312 Qualities of Romantic Relationships 313 From Friendship to Romance 317 Dating 318 Unrequited Romantic Interest (URI) 321

Interpersonal Relationship Strategies 323 Strategies Used Primarily to Initiate a Relationship 323 Strategies Used to Initiate and/or Escalate Relationships 324 Strategies Used to Escalate and/or Maintain Relationships 327

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 332

12 Interpersonal Relationships: Family and Workplace 334

Family Relationships: Definition, Models, and Strategies for Improvement 335

Family Defined 335 Family Types with Children 336 Two Models of Family Interaction 339 Strategies for Improving Family Communication 343

Specific Family Relationships: Committed Partners, Parents and Children, and Siblings 346

Committed Partners 346 Parents and Children 348 Parents and Adult Children 350 Siblings 350

Informal Workplace Relationships: Friendship and Romance 353

Workplace Friendships 353 Workplace Romances 356

The Directions of Workplace Communication 359 Upward Communication: Talking with Your Boss 359 Downward Communication: Talking with Your Subordinates 361 Horizontal Communication: Talking with Your Colleagues 363 Outward Communication: Talking with Your Customers 363

The Dark Side of Workplace Communication 363

Study Guide: Review, Apply, and Assess 366

Notes 368 Glossary 399 Index 405 Text Credits 414

vii

Relating to Diverse Others The World Is Here 10 The “Golden Rule”: Is Being Other-Oriented

a Universal Value? 35 The Power of Being Other-Oriented 71 A Diversity Almanac 85 Tao: A Universal Moral Code 107 Social Support Preferences Based on

Sex Differences and Sexual Orientation 141 Do Men and Women Speak the Same Language? 163 Cultural and Gender Differences in Interpreting

Nonverbal Messages 196 How Sex and Gender Differences Can Influence

Conflict and Power 223 Cultural Differences in Self-Disclosure 264 Responses to Relationship Challenges 292 Female and Male Dating Roles 320 Male–Female Communication in the Workplace 358 Intercultural Bargaining and Deal-Making 362

Communication and Emotion The Role of Emotions in Our Relationships

with Others 18 Self and Emotion: How We Influence How We Feel 41 How to Perceive the Emotions of Others

More Accurately 79 Are Human Emotions Universal? 103 What’s Your Emotional Intelligence Level

and Why Does It Matter? 132 The Timing of Saying “I Love You”: After You.

No, After You. 168 How to Accurately Interpret the Nonverbal

Expression of Emotions 192 Do You Know What Your “Hot Buttons” Are? 214 Assessing Your Emotional Responses

to Relationship Challenges 298 Emotions at Home 351

Improving Your Communication Skills Practice Being Other-Oriented 26 Who Are You? 31 What’s Your Communication Social Style? 56 Assuming the Best or the Worst About Others:

Identifying Alternative Explanations 76 Identifying and Adapting to Cultural Rules

and Norms 111 “I Know You Think You Understand What You

Thought I Said, But I’m Not Sure You Realize That What You Heard is Not What I Meant.” 128

Special Features

Practice Using I Language and Extended I Language 167 How to Express Your Emotions to Others 175 Practicing Nonverbal Perception Checking 203 Dealing with Prickly People 237 Graphing Your Relationship Changes 255 Self-Disclosure as a Dance 266 Responding to Transgressions 276 Friends with a Difference 278 Relational Turbulence 288 Initiating Relationships 327 Identifying Your Family System 341 Other-Orientation at Home and Work 355

#communicationandsocialmedia Always On 17 Comparing Your “Cyber Self” and Your

“Realspace Self” 39 How to Use Social Media to Promote a Positive

Perception of Yourself: Your Employer or a Prospective Employer May Be Watching 74

Relating to Others Online in Intercultural Relationships 97

Being “Listened to” by Our Facebook Friends 130 Verbally Relating to Others Online 176 Saying It Without Saying It Online 197 Conflict Happens 229 Do Smartphones Threaten Your Autonomy? 261 Cyberstalking, Cyberbullying, and Partner

Surveillance 290 Friendship, Romance, and the Internet 322 Networked Families 349 Networked Workers 360

Applying an Other-Orientation Being a Competent Interpersonal

Communicator 28 Self and Interpersonal Communication 58 Interpersonal Perception 80 The Platinum Rule 112 Listening and Responding Skills 144 Enhancing Your Verbal Skills 177 Nonverbal Communication 207 Conflict Management 240 Understanding Interpersonal Relationships 268 Relationship Challenges 299 Friends and Romantic Partners 332 Family and Workplace Relationships 366

vii

The world does not revolve around you. This unpro- found observation has profound implications for the study of interpersonal communication: At the

heart of quality interpersonal relationships is an emphasis on others. A focus on others rather than on oneself has been the hallmark of most volunteer, community, and faith movements in the world for millennia. Yet this text is not about religion or philosophy. It’s about how to enhance the quality of your interpersonal communication with others. The importance of being other-oriented was the founda- tion of the first eight well-received editions of Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, and it continues to be the central theme of the ninth edition.

Revel™ Revel is an interactive learning environment that deeply engages students and prepares them for class. Media and assessment integrated directly within the authors’ narra- tive lets students read, explore interactive content, and practice in one continuous learning path. Thanks to the dynamic reading experience in Revel, students come to class prepared to discuss, apply, and learn from instructors and from each other. Learn more about Revel www.pearson.com/revel

Special Features in Revel for  Communication Students Revel is a dynamic learning experience that offers students a way to study the content and topics relevant to communica- tion in a whole new way. Rather than simply offering op- portunities to read about and study interpersonal communi- cation, Revel facilitates deep, engaging interactions with the concepts that matter most. For example, in Chapter 5, stu- dents are presented with a self-assessment that scores their skill in empathizing with others, allowing them to examine their level of empathy and consider how they could improve on it. Interactive text and figures on topics like “What You Do with Your Communication Time” are designed to cap- ture student’s attention and engage them in the text. In addi- tion, students are presented with video examples throughout the book on topics like gender-inclusive language, personal growth and assertiveness, how to give feedback, and what attracts people to one another. A wealth of student and in- structor resources and interactive materials can be found within Revel. Some of our favorites include the following:

• Module Audio and Audio Excerpts With an Internet connection, students can listen to audio of the entire book while on the go. In addition, audio

excerpts bring examples to life in a way that a printed text cannot. Throughout the book, dialogue excerpts highlight effective as well as ineffective ways to com- municate. These audio examples reinforce learning by increasing student comprehension and engagement.

• Self-Assessments Self-assessment instruments allow students to ana- lyze their own communication styles, enabling them to learn and grow over the duration of the course. Self-assessments are offered on a variety of topics, such as testing your empathy and strategies for improving intercultural competence.

• Videos and Video Self-Checks Videos on topics such as listening, electronically medi- ated communication, perception barriers, understand- ing diversity, nonverbal messages, and conflict appear throughout the product to boost mastery of these essential concepts. These engaging videos enhance existing content and most are bundled with correlating self-checks (in the form of multiple-choice questions), enabling students to test their knowledge. For exam- ple, the following video self-check, “Listening,” which appears in Chapter 5, provides an overview of listening styles, the stages of listening, and listening barriers.

• Interactive Figures These interactive figures are designed to engage and help students understand hard-to-grasp concepts, such as the model of communication as transaction, through

Preface

viii

interactive visualizations. For example, students can interact with Figure 1.3 (A Model of Communication as Transaction) by clicking the “next” and “previous” but- tons to reveal each element of the model one step at a time.

• Integrated Writing Opportunities To help students connect chapter content with per- sonal meaning, each chapter offers two varieties of writing prompts: (1) the Journal prompt, which elicits free-form, topic-specific responses addressing content at the module level, and (2) the Shared Writing prompt, which encourages students to share and respond to one another’s brief responses to high-interest topics in the chapter. Most of the journal prompts, which appear in every module, help students make connections between interpersonal communication topics and their own experiences. At the end of each chapter, a Shared Writing prompt allows students to see and respond to their classmates’ comments, thereby facilitating dis- cussion online as well as in the classroom. Instructors have access to students’ responses to these writing activities and can also assign them as homework.

For more information about the tools and resources in Revel and access to your own Revel account for Interper- sonal Communication: Relating to Others, Ninth Edition, go to www.pearson.com/revel.

What’s New in the Ninth Edition With this revision, we have worked to retain the strengths that readers value most—an easily accessible style, our other-oriented approach, and a balance of theory and skills. We have also enhanced the strengths of the inter- active elements in Revel that resonate so much with stu- dents and instructors. This new edition adds fresh ex- amples and new research throughout. A new feature box, #communicationandsocialmedia, appears in each chapter that focuses on how social media is changing how we re- late to and interact with others. For example, in Chapter 1 the feature highlights how being constantly connected to others via some electronic means can impact our lives and in Chapter 2, students are encouraged to consider and

compare their “cyber” and “realspace” selves. Throughout Revel you will find new videos with video self-checks, new Journal prompts, and new activities on contemporary topics. These new interactive elements in Revel provide a robust and fully immersive experience for students as they study interpersonal communication in a multimedia environment.

Chapter Updates: New Content and Research Here are some more reasons to give this new edition a close look.

• Chapter 1, “Introduction to Interpersonal Communi- cation,” presents new research on how texting and social media can influence relationships and how the visible presence of a smartphone can diminish the quality of conversation. New material has been added on the effect of social media on our relationships. In Revel, a new animated video provides an overview of the three interpersonal communication models dis- cussed in the text and also presents the five principles of interpersonal communication. An accompanying video self-check reinforces these hard-to-grasp con- cepts by testing students on their knowledge of the models and principles covered in the chapter.

• Chapter 2, “Interpersonal Communication and Self,” features a new discussion about how we judge the cred- ibility of social media self-disclosures. The chapter also includes new research on attachment styles, compulsive Internet use, and self-disclosure among couples. A new animated video in Revel helps students understand the components of the self-concept and intrapersonal com- munication. Another video from Sky News explores how and why some schools in the United Kingdom are of- fering confidence classes. After watching these videos, students can test their knowledge of these topics by an- swering self-check questions. Almost all of the Recap boxes, which periodically summarize key concepts and terms, are interactive in Revel so students can review the material they just read and then check their knowledge